So I've been feeling a little sluggish lately. Stressed too. Eating too much maybe, and not always the right things. Not listening to my body, which apparently tells me when it's full. I've never heard that, I'm pretty sure. I find myself wondering what it is that has me feeling this way, and I have plenty of answers right at my fingertips. But if I don't pay attention to the REALLY BIG ONE, nothing else will really do much to change things.
I MUST take care of myself. Beginning with my weight. Okay, I've never had a weight problem, if I don't count the times I have lost over ten pounds too, too, fast and without trying. That's not today's issue. I have extra weight (not a lot, but enough) that is leaving me feeling weighed down (pun intended). It's too easy to just grab food instead of getting involved in more positive things. Of course to turn away from food altogether would only leave me with more problems, not less.
Moderation, that's it. As in all things - we are usually okay if we do things in moderation. I plan to set some moderate goals for myself, as the love handles I've developed aren't going to go away overnight, but neither are they going to disappear if I just think about it. So some action. Today is a rare sunny, beautiful day in New England for the end of January. I need to harness the opportunity to take a walk this afternoon, and begin some positive thinking. The walking will help the feeling sluggish, and the stress, and the feelings of depression that can creep in. Probably help take away this headache I have, too.
All these are some steps to take care of myself, something that, as I approach fifty this year, is about time I focus on. Everyone in my life will benefit. Especially me!
I hate roller coasters, always have. In the past few weeks, I've found myself on an emotional roller coaster, not the first one I've been on, and admittedly not the worst one, either. Most likely because I have a support person in my life I haven't had there before and what a difference. His name is Paul. Just to clarify, he's not my first husband, who was named Paul, just happens his name is Paul too.
Most of the timethis roller coaster has been on the high side and it feels good. Very good in fact. Paul doesn't like roller coasters either, but we seem to be on a ride that neither of us wants to get off. So we smile and stay on, continually being surprised by the dips and turns.
Today, when I found myself feeling rather low, it was just a simple phone call and a hug over the phone from Paul and my day began to turn around. Oh I know - I've worked for a long time - years, really, to come to this place and I can't give Paul all of the credit. But I am so, so thankful to have him here in my life.
My mom was buried on January 20th in 1973. Thirty-seven years ago, but it still feels very present to me. I still see the plot in the ground that was not-so-carefully hidden beneath the fake grass that day. All the assurances that I would see her again some day, or that she wasn't really gone, she was still with me... Though I have her in my heart, that young girl is still wondering WHEN she is going to see her. My father was just not present. He really hadn't been, even before we lost Mom, but he DEFINITELY did not know how to deal with a 12-year-old who was standing at a cemetery on a dreary January day staring into a hole in the ground where they were going to put her mom. So he didn't.
I find myself furiously cleaning, feeling very angry inside, and letting it out on household cleaning products. Radio on loud, yelling at everyone and everything (on the inside - not saying a word outwardly). It's cathartic I guess, but my mom still isn't here.
Today the radio suddenly blares out lyrics from Bruce Springsteen's I'm On Fire "hey little girl is your daddy home, did he go away and leave you all alone..." and "sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul..."
I have lived 37 out of 49 years without her. I know how to do it, I have been doing it. But I don't WANT to. Yet I have no say about that. We don't know when we will lose someone, something, that we hold dear.
So as I force the vacuum into the rug a little harder, scrape the tile in the bathroom until my hands crack, yell at "someone out there" who took my mom, I need to remember to tell those that I love that they are precious to me RIGHT NOW.
Send someone a note, or better yet - give them a call, and let them know they are important to you and your life is different because they are in it. I hope you'll be glad you did.
Whether I am paying attention or not, the time will go by just the same. I began this blog with the greatest of intentions, and added two entries. For the New Year, I made a decision to write for a least twenty minutes a day. Anything, anywhere. Today I am writing here, and hoping to bring this blog back to life. Or really start its life, come to think of it.
My last post was about being hired at the Salter School. I was SO excited about that job, and it was great for the first five months. Past great. I wanted to retire from there. It didn't work out that way. In the summer of '09, I was out due to intense back pain which ultimately was relieved via surgery on my spine on 9/14/09. I was required to return to work by September 30 or lose my job. So I lost the job. MUCH transpired between my hire date the previous September, but that is now a closed chapter in my life. I met some wonderful people and have some treasured friends I will take with me from Salter. There is always some good in each circumstance and a reason we are there, even when we can't seem to find one. At some point that reason turns up.
It is election day in Massachusetts today, to fill a vacant seat in the US Senate since Ted Kennedy passed away last summer. I am going out soon to cast my vote - not certain I am putting the "X" where I really want, but where I do believe it will ultimately do the most good. This has become a very close race, and if the Republican candidate wins, it will be historic, not just for putting a Republican in that seat for the first time in almost sixty years, but because of the domino effect it will have on health care issues for our country.
Not voting is simply not an option, so I will go with what I feel is the best choice in these times.
So I've been feeling a little sluggish lately. Stressed too. Eating too much maybe, and not always the right things. Not listening to my body, which apparently tells me when it's full. I've never heard that, I'm pretty sure. I find myself wondering what it is that has me feeling this way, and I have plenty of answers right at my fingertips. But if I don't pay attention to the REALLY BIG ONE, nothing else will really do much to change things.
