CHERISH THE JOURNEY

The early morning is so quiet and calm... that must be what I loved so much about it when the kids were small, as I would wake before them, sit with a cup of coffee and somehow attempt to absorb that calm before the day began in earnest. Those mornings helped me in more ways than I probably realize.

Here I sit today, this calm, quiet, beautiful winter morning, drinking my coffee in the peace all around me, praying for that peace to permeate me more fully. I notice the pink coffee mug I am drinking from, a gift from my sister Maryellen, and the words on it that read cherish the journey... wow. My first thought was 'let the journey begin' when it struck me that I am on the journey, have always been. It doesn't wait for us, this journey, it is there for us to notice and decide how we are going to live it.

So how is my journey going, I begin thinking to myself. Well, as I look upon the unseen path beneath me, there are many indicators of the anxiety that is well, ever-present with every step. I don't like seeing that, and as I spend some time thinking about it, I am keenly aware of the journey, of life, going on whether I am anxious or not. I wonder just how do I stop being anxious, and if it is really easy to simply relax, then why haven't I? Fear is something I know about, it's familiar. I know how to worry, I'm expert at it.

It is painful to acknowledge how much of this journey that is already behind me is veiled in angst. With all that concern, the anticipation of what might happen at any time, it is not very easy to live in the moment. The moments are not seen for what they are because I must be ever vigilant... this all may change in an instant, and I know that from my own vast experience. Valid as those experiences are, they are robbing me of the opportunity to do what my pink coffee mug is urging me to do.

As I taste the coffee, I can also taste the fear I feel just thinking of all this...

Damn...

I have to let go. (well, I don't, but it's where my freedom lies)
I'm not in charge of anyone's actions but my own.
That journey is unknown.
I don't like the unknown.
I'm on it anyway, we all are. (wait, this is just about me)
LIFE, truly living fully, awaits me.
The above sentence scares the crap out of me.
I want that LIFE.
I want to let go. Really.
I'm afraid to.

I am more afraid of not letting go.

"Thanks... Bye, Mom!"

We were just on the phone a little while ago. It was something she has certainly said to me many times, but this time it just came over the phone line and went straight to my heart. "Thanks" and "Bye, Mom!" were the words my youngest, Kerri, had just uttered. I was immediately struck with a deep sense of gratitude.

I am a mother to grown-ups. :)

I've wanted this for so long, it is part of my cellular make-up by now. Losing my own mother when I was twelve is where it all began. All of the things I went through from that age and on and not having mom there... I wanted so much to be a mom, but not just to have babies. I wanted to be there for my children as they grew into adults.

Well, now my kids are 27, 25, and 21. I am filled with so much thankfulness that I am here and available to my kids. Sure, I have plenty of my own unique "mom-isms" and I'm sure they roll their eyes a lot when I am talking to them... that's all part of the package.

That's okay with me. I plan to stick around and enjoy this new time of life, when I am, in fact, a mother to grown-ups.

They bless my life more than they could ever know in words.